Made a mistake? How to forgive yourself for not being perfect.

What a cliché it is, that we all make mistakes. But as well as being a cliché, it also happens to be true. I, for one, know I have made loads of mistakes in my life, some bigger than others but all mistakes none the less.

 

The thing is, we can be really harsh on ourselves about our mistakes, thinking about them over and over again wondering how on earth we could have been so stupid. Whether it's missing out on an opportunity, letting someone down or acting outside our values we can find ourselves in the uncomfortable aftermath of “screwing up” berating ourselves for what we did or didn't do.

 

So how can we move on from our mistakes and forgive ourselves for not being perfect? After all, we have to be with ourselves for the rest of our lives and it will be a much better journey if we aren't harbouring resentment and regret. Below are some suggestions of ways I think can help us to be more self-forgiving.

Separate accountability and forgiveness.

To forgive yourself doesn't mean to shirk blame or to hide from the consequences of your mistake. Consequences have to be accepted and dealt with as best we can. But forever beating yourself up is not a necessary component of dealing with the aftermath. To forgive yourself is not to let yourself 'off the hook' but rather to have compassion for yourself during the process of trying to put things right.

 

Put someone else in your shoes

 

Think about the mistake you have made and how you would react and comfort a loved one if they were to make the same mistake. Would you tell them that it was reasonable in the situation that they found themselves in? Would you tell them that we are all only human? Whatever it is you would tell them, tell yourself the same thing.

 

Think about what you have learned

 

This is another somewhat cliché statement but its actually really valuable. If you have made a mistake, really really think about what you have learnt from it. What situation led you to this point? Did you try your best? What have you discovered about yourself as a person, good or bad? Use this information to get to know yourself better and to accept yourself warts and all.

 

Stop thinking in black and white

 

I don't really believe that people are either 'good' or 'bad.' Rather, I think we all exist on a spectrum of good and bad with aspects of both within us. This means that sometimes, good people do bad things. Just because you have made a mistake, it doesn't make you a bad person, a stupid person etc. etc. Goodness is a choice as much as it is inherent. If you made a 'bad' choice, make it a conscious reminder to focus more on your good.

 

 

 

 

Comparing other outcomes with reality is a 'false economy'

 

In the case of mistakes where regret is involved e.g. choosing the 'wrong' career path, we sometimes compare what we 'could' have had if we had made the 'right' decision. The problem with this is that the other option is almost always going to come out better because we are comparing our reality with an ideal. If only you'd taken the other job, you'd be a lot happier now, right? Well, actually, you can't guarantee this. Choosing the other option would have set off a whole other series of circumstances. Yes, you may have ended up happier, better off, 'fill in the blank' but you could equally have ended up in the same position  comparing THAT reality with the option you DID choose. Your reality can never compete with what 'might' have happened because you will always see the grass as greener on the field you choose not to walk on.

 

Say sorry

 

If your mistake involved hurting someone else, say sorry. Its hard to apologise sometimes and to face criticism of who we are but we know it's the right thing to do. If you say sorry and are truly sorry, you can look more kindly upon yourself going forward.

 

Don't rely on others forgiveness to be able to forgive yourself

 

When you have said sorry, people may not forgive you. That's ok. They don't have to. They can chose to not have you in their life, you can't. Forgiveness from others is wonderful and affirming but forgiving yourself is perhaps even more so. Do not wait for someone else to forgive you before you forgive yourself.

 

Remember that you are not your mistakes.

 

This is probably the single most important thing. Separate yourself from your mistake. The mistake is something you did or didn't do, it does not define who you are.

 

 

With love always

xxxx

Eulogies for the living

When someone dies, you always hear an outpouring of love from their friends, family, neighbours, co workers etc. We hear how funny someone was, how thoughtful they were and how they brightened the lives of those they knew. People recall times in which the person helped them through a struggle and recount funny memories which they hold dear.

This is such a lovely tribute to those who are no longer here and definitely has a role to play in remembering them and also in grieving for those left behind. But, it often gets me thinking what a shame it is, that all these people are not around to hear how much they were valued and loved.
I'm not suggesting that we don't tell our loved ones that they are loved, of course many of us do but I do sometimes wonder whether or not we truly tell people all the things we really love and value about them. What would I say to this person if they were no longer here and why am I not saying it now, whilst they are?

In 1998, when I was 8, four of my family members died and at that age, death suddenly felt real and even probable. Following this, at the time, I would never let my Mum or Dad or sister go anywhere without saying a proper goodbye and I love you because I  feared that this might be the last time I would see them. At the time, I felt like it was a curse, constant worry every time someone left the house. Now, however, perhaps with age and maturity, I see it as a blessing. I am always telling my friends and family that I love them and I say it freely without embarrassment. Had I not lost those people, I might have taken it for granted that people would always come home.

I know that all people are different and that is what makes life interesting. Some people just aren't outwardly emotional and some families, friends don't tell each other that they love each other even though they all know they do and that's fine. I am not saying my position is superior or right or whatever. But what I am saying is that we should sometimes think about death of both ourselves and our loved ones and think about what we would want them to know. Yes its uncomfortable and upsetting but actually death is one of the only two things that are certain in this life. The other is love in one form or another. So many of us probably go through life not realising the extent to which we are loved.

Even me, gushy, emotional (probably annoyingly so for some!), I still probably haven't told my friends or family all the things I love about them and all the memories I treasure which they are a part of and I guess what I am trying to say is why haven't I? Of course death is a massive emotional experience and you just don't know how you will feel in that situation and may think of a thousand things you could have said but didn't but at least we can say what we know now. If we know that people know how much they mean to us, not only can they rest in peace but we can live in peace also.

The word 'Eulogy' is often associated with death and in fact I thought it was a word referring to tributes in death only . But actually, it isn't. Eulogy comes from classical Greek and means 'praise.' So why don't we praise people more often. Eulogies not just for the dead but for the living too.