Fear of Failure

Sometimes in life we are the only thing holding us back. This type of obstacle is much greater to overcome than an external one because it is usually based on a percieved threat to our very perception of who we are. We avoid the steps we need to take to grow and achieve because we fear that we will fail. Yet the avoidance of such steps leaves us with another, equally uncomfortable conflict- the understanding that we are falling short of our true potential.

Take, for example, the people we all know (it may even be you) that are in jobs that although valuable (every job is needed) are not the job we know they desire. They may be brilliant at that job, yet we know that many skills that individual has are lying dormant. Like an athlete falling short of a personal best, it is frustrating and dissapointing.

So what are we afraid of? As with the complex nature of being human, I believe it is a combination of things. For me, i think my sense of self-esteem is based far too strongly on external events - getting good grades during my degree made me see myself as worthy, intelligent whereas, on the flip side, poor grades had me define myself as stupid, incapable. The problem with this (and i still do it) is that if we define ourselves externally like this, it is inevitable that we will often be left with bruised self-esteem and a reinforced view that the unknown and or new challenges are to be feared. In reality (which i can still see through reason, despite my fear) through good grades or bad grades, rain or shine, we are who we are. We do not become less worthy or more worthy through external circumstances we just are worthy and that is that. This concept is summed up beautifully in  one of my favourite quotes:

'Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all.'

-Buddha

Another reason we hold ourselves back is the fear of the judgement of others. If we try and fail we may be ridiculed, humiliated and lose our reputation. Lets face it, embarrassment does not feel good and it is very human to seek to avoid discomfort. However, many things necessary for progression in life (interviews, new relationships with potential for heartache) are uncomfortable and, therefore, our avoidance of such discomfort can only lead to us holding ourselves back and selling ourselves short.

I am not an expert by any means but I am human. I also happen to be a human who experiences fear and often engages in this unproductive behaviour. However, i do have a few strategies that i use to try and limit this as much as possible.

• Remember, you are not the centre of the universe, only the centre of your universe. If we mess up in an interview the horrible embarrassment, fear etc feels all-consuming to us. We may even go home and remember what we said wrong and cringe at the thought. However, it always helps me to remember that the interviewer has probably barely given you a second thought because THEY are the centre of THEIR universe and therefore their thoughts will mostly consist of themselves and issues in their lives.

• Ask yourself, 'If i were to die next week, would this issue matter?' Would you worry about this if you were going to die soon. If the answer is no, chances are this is not an 'end of the world' issue. Have perspective.

• Ask yourself 'If i was my friend, what would i do?' Often, because we do not feel a sense of risk for ourselves, we offer our friends far more logical, reasonable and wise advice than we offer ourselves. Take time to seriously think about how you would help a friend in the same situation, who is holding themself back.

• 'You are a flower with many petals.' We are all many things to many people - friends, partners, sisters, brothers etc. Failing at one thing shouldnt not mean you lose your sense of self worth. A very dear friend of mine text me when i was experiencing severe anxiety at uni and said 'This isnt all you are.' I remember those words even now..and what wise words. None of us are solely defined by one thing. Therefore, do not let failure or fear for one element of your being define you. If you dont get that job...you are still a mother, a brother etc.

• Sometimes accept that you fear failure. We always read things that tell us how to NOT be fearful. Sometimes I like to remind myself that it is ok to feel fear. Do not feel pressured to be fearless or pretend that you are. Just accept that you are scared but know that you can achieve despite that fear. As another very good friend said to me ' You can still achieve, your anxiety does not control you.'

• Remember you are not alone. Thousands fear failure and many HAVE failed. Life does not stop for them and it will not stop for you. The sun will still rise tomorrow.

You are an amazing human being and can achieve so much. You would not look kindly upon somone else who constantly, purposefully held you back...do not do it to yourself.

The Sun Can Still Shine When it is Raining

'It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness'

Charles Spurgeon

 

 

 

 

This photo was taken by me in Cambridge

 

One of the most liberating things that I have ever read or been told is that you can still feel joy when things aren't going well. To me, this felt like relief - to feel joy is not to ignore that we have problems nor does it invalidate the anguish we might feel because of them it simply means that it is ok and possible to feel happiness amongst distress. The sun can still shine when it is raining. Even amongst life's most serious problems like relationship breakdowns, illness or even death of our loved ones, we as humans have the amazing capacity to experience joy in some form or another. Discussing memories of someone passed, for example, can lead to smiles and laughter even to those in the depths of grieving and such laughter can bring relief even if for a brief moment. Tuning in to this ability to feel happiness amongst sadness and to accept it can lead to a greater sense of peace and a more optimistic outlook. It reminds us that joy is still to be found and still to be felt.

In my own experience, feelings of joy can be induced through certain activities, thoughts, beliefs etc.

1. Think of the people in your life who you love and are grateful for.

Even if this is just one or two people think about them and what they bring to your life. Remind yourself that these people are still in your life through these difficult times. You are not alone.

2. Spend time outdoors

This one is not always an inviting idea in the British weather but it really does work. Getting outside and spending time immersed in nature reminds you of the beauty to be found in the world. It also reminds me that I am a very small part of a very large universe and that often my problems are pretty small.

3. Listen to music

Music is really powerful and can induce emotions in us. Listen to a song you really like and that lifts you up. Even if you just feel happy for the duration of one song, it will give you a few moments peace from sadness, worry etc.

4. Spend time with others

Spend time with friends, family, partners or pets! Whoever makes you happy. We are social beings and spending time with others can lift our spirits even when times are hard.

5. Do something nice for someone else - but don't tell everyone.

Doing something nice for someone else sounds corny but it really does make you feel better. Buy some flowers for your friend or your Mum, girlfriend (whoever!). Write a letter to someone, go shopping for your Grandma, make a cd for a friend, run a bath for your partner. The crucial thing here, I believe, to maintain the most benefit is to not then go bragging on fb/twitter etc about this nice deed. Isn't it lovely to know that you did something nice and not just so you could tell people about it later? It is something only you and the receiver of the deed know about. Isn't that magical? Bringing joy to others when you yourself feel low is a reminder of how strong you can be.

6. LAUGH!

Perhaps the best, most effective way to feel joy amongst sadness/worry etc is to laugh. Laugh at everything and anything (where appropriate of course!), especially yourself. I remember the night before my third driving test feeling absolutely sick with worry. I was feeling very sorry for myself indeed until my Mum started laughing and saying 'What if you get an 'abandoned!' An abandoned, as I like to call it, is when you drive so badly that the tester refuses to continue the test and (no s**t Sherlock!) abandons it! For insurance purposes, the tester cannot drive you back and you therefore have to do the walk of shame back to the test centre. I had to laugh when my Mum said this, the image of me walking back was hilarious and we laughed and laughed that night inventing a list of events that could occur each of increasing ridiculousness! I was still anxious but I felt SO much better and I realised that even if the worst case scenario happened I would be able to laugh about it. I passed by the way, for those interested and I do believe it was partly due to the evening of laughter before. So...

Watch programs/films that make you laugh ( I love Miranda)
Hang out with friends and family who make you laugh.
Watch stupid you tube videos that make you laugh.

Remember, the sun can still shine when it is raining :)