Things we can all learn from children

Before my niece was born, I didn't really have any close contact with children. I don't yet have any of my own and members of my family who do have them are either far away or I just don't see them as often as id like, as is often the case in life. Since 2012, however, I have been blessed with being an Aunty to the most amazing, adorable and beautiful little girl who absolutely makes my heart burst at the seams with love.

The more I spend time with my niece, the more she amazes me and the more I see things through her eyes. This got me thinking about how children interact and enjoy the world around them and how they have so many beautiful, endearing qualities that we as 'grown-ups' seem to leave behind. Each time I play with her and she laughs and smiles as though I am the funniest person in the world, it makes me realise how much we could all learn from children.


1. Everything is a miracle!

There is a quote I have heard a dozen times, assigned to Albert Einstein which states that “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Children definitely live life as though everything is a miracle. When my niece first saw Christmas lights her eyes light up brighter than the lights themselves and she wore an expression of sheer amazement and wonder.  When bath time arrives, she is the happiest person ever and why not? Its bath time! How lovely it is to sit in a warm bath and play with bubbles and cups and ducks!  And how amazing it is that water just runs from the taps at the flick of a wrist! She truly enjoys the bath, she appreciates it and it makes her truly happy. Indeed, she finds true happiness in many of the simplest things, such as a piece of music, a toy or a book.

As adults, for whatever reason, be it worries, stresses, too much thinking and social conditioning we seem to lose this sense of wonder. But what if we all tried to see the miracle in life more often? Because isn't it a miracle that we get to be alive and enjoy Christmas lights and have running water on demand? Isn't it a miracle that our skin tingles when getting into a hot bath on a cold day? Life is full of miracles and children are innocent enough and unspoiled enough to notice.





2. Children do not try to be anyone else but themselves
 
Children are who they are, without apology. Children do not try to be something they are not because they haven't yet been conditioned to the way of thinking dictating what is acceptable, what is cool or uncool what they 'should' like or dislike. Therefore, children simple like what they like and dislike what they don't. They wear their hearts on their sleeves and what you see is definitely what you get. A lot of people's lives would probably be happier and more meaningful if we were all just who we are.

3. Children dance like no one is watching

The phrase 'dance like no one is watching' never seems more apt than when applied to children. Children have not yet developed the acute sense of self-consciousness that often cripples us as adults and therefore they do not worry about what they look like or what other people think. They enjoy themselves without inhibition or doubt. Nothing is more beautiful to me than when my niece dances to a song and really loses herself in the music without a care in the world for who is watching. It would be wonderful if we as adults could let go of our inhibitions a bit too, just like children. Indeed, the desire to do so is proven by the success of the alcohol business. Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting we all act like wild savages without care but when it comes to harmless fun such as dancing or more professional tasks such as public speaking being a little less self-conscious could make life a little more fun!

4. Children love unconditionally   

Children love unconditionally. If you are someone in their lives who is kind to them they will love you no matter what. They don't care if you have lost weight or gained weight, earn a lot or a little, have a spot or a big nose. They love you. End of. Life would be so much happier if we all as adults, myself included, loved more like children, unconditionally and without judgement.

5. Children live in the moment and are present in the moment

Children do not really have a concept of yesterday or tomorrow and consequently live life day by day. They enjoy each day as it unfolds without expectation and therefore they truly live each day. They are there in that day. As adults, we are often just bodies drifting through a day whilst our minds are off somewhere in the past or future, two places that actually don't exist. We would all enjoy each day so much more if we just lived for the day and didn't spend all our time obsessing over the events of things gone or to potentially come. What's more, children don't spend their time taking photos of a day out or making a video recording of an event, they just enjoy it consciously in that moment as it unfolds. Of course as adults we need to plan to an extent but I think many of us, again myself included, spend far too much time thinking about life in the future when actually the only thing we have is now. Right now. So lets make like children and live for today.

I know that as adults we have jobs and responsibilities that children do not have to worry about but I truly believe that we can all learn from children and can make an effort to try and embody more of the qualities I have listed above. I think we would all be happier for it.  We should not lose our inner child. It is well quoted that the average toddler laughs around 300 times a day but the average 40 year old only four. They are obviously doing something right.


P.S. To my Beautiful Niece, this post is dedicated to you. A ray of light to conquer any darkness. I love you <3

The Peril of the 20s - doing it 'right'

The 20s are supposed to be the glamorous years, the years of partying, 'self-discovery', great sex and beauty. Right? Maybe for some but for many people I know, the 20s more often represents a few bursts of these things interspersed with uncertainty, indecision, confusion and fear. I, for one, am slightly obsessed at the moment with 'doing the 20s right' which inevitably leads to disappointment because 'doing it right' doesn't quite exist.

We are surrounded by sitcoms, films, magazines etc. that sell to us the perfect idea of the 20s, they positively 'big them up' making all people outside of this age envious. Who wouldn't want to be a 'twenty-something' with perky boobs (or moobs if you happen to be a pleasantly plump man), no serious responsibilities and the ability to get drunk almost every weekend without being frowned upon? Indeed, written down it does sound quite fabulous. The trouble is, reality very rarely follows the path marked 'ideal' and because we are so socially conditioned to desire this ideal it can makes us feel like we aren't using the 20's right.

If, like my immature younger self probably did, I could write down the path my life should take during this decade it would probably look something like this:

1. Go out a LOT...get drunk - get a hangover, recover, repeat

2. Go travelling/back packing

3. Fall in love with a fabulous man

4. Get a mortgage and a family house

5. Have children probably around 28


Yet when you grow up you realise that for most of us mere mortals life doesn't follow the path it should, it takes you to other, sometimes less favourable places and flat out smashes those rose coloured lenses. Travelling, for example, is a dream of mine yet travelling requires money and money requires a job, a job requires your time and time is a requirement for travelling. Plus there are the nagging thoughts in your head 'should I spend my money on travelling or should I save for a mortgage?' Every decision in your twenties seems to be impossible to make, stuffed full to the brim with 'what ifs?' and 'yeah buts.' For people like me who think far too much and aren't blessed with the 'do now, think later' mentality it can be torturous, indeed it is. Being a woman, dare I say, makes this even harder because it is a basic fact of life that the female fertility window of opportunity does not stay open for long. Therefore, whilst 28 may seem a spring chicken for a man, a women at 28 only has 8 years before she is 35 or over, the cut off age for greater risk of pregnancy complications.

So what can we do? Are we doomed? Should we curl under the duvet and wait for the flirty 30s? Well, no. What we should do, myself included, is to try and let go of the childish ideals and life plans we held for ourselves when we were younger because life just isn't like that. It really isn't. That's the bottom line. All we can do is try our hardest to live for the day. That isn't to say that you can't plan or dream, indeed you should dream (and dream big!) but you shouldn't expect life to obediently follow your plans because trust me, it has other ideas!
If, like myself, you hold the desire to travel for example, maybe you should just travel and not obsess about whether or not you will regret spending the money or will wish you had taken that job you turned down in order to go. Maybe you will but maybe it will be the best damn decision you ever make! That's the risk. Perhaps we should take that risk.

We should also try to let go of those ideals and accept things as they are, perhaps we are not where we think we should be but maybe we are where we need to be.


At the moment, I am not feeling very brave or decisive but I hope that soon i will find that courage and I hope you do too. In the meantime, lets just do what we can, with what we have, where we are. That will surely make for a life well lived.

Fear of Failure

Sometimes in life we are the only thing holding us back. This type of obstacle is much greater to overcome than an external one because it is usually based on a percieved threat to our very perception of who we are. We avoid the steps we need to take to grow and achieve because we fear that we will fail. Yet the avoidance of such steps leaves us with another, equally uncomfortable conflict- the understanding that we are falling short of our true potential.

Take, for example, the people we all know (it may even be you) that are in jobs that although valuable (every job is needed) are not the job we know they desire. They may be brilliant at that job, yet we know that many skills that individual has are lying dormant. Like an athlete falling short of a personal best, it is frustrating and dissapointing.

So what are we afraid of? As with the complex nature of being human, I believe it is a combination of things. For me, i think my sense of self-esteem is based far too strongly on external events - getting good grades during my degree made me see myself as worthy, intelligent whereas, on the flip side, poor grades had me define myself as stupid, incapable. The problem with this (and i still do it) is that if we define ourselves externally like this, it is inevitable that we will often be left with bruised self-esteem and a reinforced view that the unknown and or new challenges are to be feared. In reality (which i can still see through reason, despite my fear) through good grades or bad grades, rain or shine, we are who we are. We do not become less worthy or more worthy through external circumstances we just are worthy and that is that. This concept is summed up beautifully in  one of my favourite quotes:

'Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all.'

-Buddha

Another reason we hold ourselves back is the fear of the judgement of others. If we try and fail we may be ridiculed, humiliated and lose our reputation. Lets face it, embarrassment does not feel good and it is very human to seek to avoid discomfort. However, many things necessary for progression in life (interviews, new relationships with potential for heartache) are uncomfortable and, therefore, our avoidance of such discomfort can only lead to us holding ourselves back and selling ourselves short.

I am not an expert by any means but I am human. I also happen to be a human who experiences fear and often engages in this unproductive behaviour. However, i do have a few strategies that i use to try and limit this as much as possible.

• Remember, you are not the centre of the universe, only the centre of your universe. If we mess up in an interview the horrible embarrassment, fear etc feels all-consuming to us. We may even go home and remember what we said wrong and cringe at the thought. However, it always helps me to remember that the interviewer has probably barely given you a second thought because THEY are the centre of THEIR universe and therefore their thoughts will mostly consist of themselves and issues in their lives.

• Ask yourself, 'If i were to die next week, would this issue matter?' Would you worry about this if you were going to die soon. If the answer is no, chances are this is not an 'end of the world' issue. Have perspective.

• Ask yourself 'If i was my friend, what would i do?' Often, because we do not feel a sense of risk for ourselves, we offer our friends far more logical, reasonable and wise advice than we offer ourselves. Take time to seriously think about how you would help a friend in the same situation, who is holding themself back.

• 'You are a flower with many petals.' We are all many things to many people - friends, partners, sisters, brothers etc. Failing at one thing shouldnt not mean you lose your sense of self worth. A very dear friend of mine text me when i was experiencing severe anxiety at uni and said 'This isnt all you are.' I remember those words even now..and what wise words. None of us are solely defined by one thing. Therefore, do not let failure or fear for one element of your being define you. If you dont get that job...you are still a mother, a brother etc.

• Sometimes accept that you fear failure. We always read things that tell us how to NOT be fearful. Sometimes I like to remind myself that it is ok to feel fear. Do not feel pressured to be fearless or pretend that you are. Just accept that you are scared but know that you can achieve despite that fear. As another very good friend said to me ' You can still achieve, your anxiety does not control you.'

• Remember you are not alone. Thousands fear failure and many HAVE failed. Life does not stop for them and it will not stop for you. The sun will still rise tomorrow.

You are an amazing human being and can achieve so much. You would not look kindly upon somone else who constantly, purposefully held you back...do not do it to yourself.

The Sun Can Still Shine When it is Raining

'It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness'

Charles Spurgeon

 

 

 

 

This photo was taken by me in Cambridge

 

One of the most liberating things that I have ever read or been told is that you can still feel joy when things aren't going well. To me, this felt like relief - to feel joy is not to ignore that we have problems nor does it invalidate the anguish we might feel because of them it simply means that it is ok and possible to feel happiness amongst distress. The sun can still shine when it is raining. Even amongst life's most serious problems like relationship breakdowns, illness or even death of our loved ones, we as humans have the amazing capacity to experience joy in some form or another. Discussing memories of someone passed, for example, can lead to smiles and laughter even to those in the depths of grieving and such laughter can bring relief even if for a brief moment. Tuning in to this ability to feel happiness amongst sadness and to accept it can lead to a greater sense of peace and a more optimistic outlook. It reminds us that joy is still to be found and still to be felt.

In my own experience, feelings of joy can be induced through certain activities, thoughts, beliefs etc.

1. Think of the people in your life who you love and are grateful for.

Even if this is just one or two people think about them and what they bring to your life. Remind yourself that these people are still in your life through these difficult times. You are not alone.

2. Spend time outdoors

This one is not always an inviting idea in the British weather but it really does work. Getting outside and spending time immersed in nature reminds you of the beauty to be found in the world. It also reminds me that I am a very small part of a very large universe and that often my problems are pretty small.

3. Listen to music

Music is really powerful and can induce emotions in us. Listen to a song you really like and that lifts you up. Even if you just feel happy for the duration of one song, it will give you a few moments peace from sadness, worry etc.

4. Spend time with others

Spend time with friends, family, partners or pets! Whoever makes you happy. We are social beings and spending time with others can lift our spirits even when times are hard.

5. Do something nice for someone else - but don't tell everyone.

Doing something nice for someone else sounds corny but it really does make you feel better. Buy some flowers for your friend or your Mum, girlfriend (whoever!). Write a letter to someone, go shopping for your Grandma, make a cd for a friend, run a bath for your partner. The crucial thing here, I believe, to maintain the most benefit is to not then go bragging on fb/twitter etc about this nice deed. Isn't it lovely to know that you did something nice and not just so you could tell people about it later? It is something only you and the receiver of the deed know about. Isn't that magical? Bringing joy to others when you yourself feel low is a reminder of how strong you can be.

6. LAUGH!

Perhaps the best, most effective way to feel joy amongst sadness/worry etc is to laugh. Laugh at everything and anything (where appropriate of course!), especially yourself. I remember the night before my third driving test feeling absolutely sick with worry. I was feeling very sorry for myself indeed until my Mum started laughing and saying 'What if you get an 'abandoned!' An abandoned, as I like to call it, is when you drive so badly that the tester refuses to continue the test and (no s**t Sherlock!) abandons it! For insurance purposes, the tester cannot drive you back and you therefore have to do the walk of shame back to the test centre. I had to laugh when my Mum said this, the image of me walking back was hilarious and we laughed and laughed that night inventing a list of events that could occur each of increasing ridiculousness! I was still anxious but I felt SO much better and I realised that even if the worst case scenario happened I would be able to laugh about it. I passed by the way, for those interested and I do believe it was partly due to the evening of laughter before. So...

Watch programs/films that make you laugh ( I love Miranda)
Hang out with friends and family who make you laugh.
Watch stupid you tube videos that make you laugh.

Remember, the sun can still shine when it is raining :)